today my nurse practitioner gave me a locket. i cried. she has taken care of me and treated me like her own child from the very beginning. she has been more of a mother to me during my diagnosis then my own mother. i am always yearning for her hugs, since they are the only ones a get to the chance to just break down and let my feelings go.

good friends are so hard to come by these days, its insane how quickly i learned who my real friends are. the list has become extremely narrow. 

instead of fighting for the ones that i had before my cancer diagnosis, im making new ones on my floor instead. this week i made a new friend named David, and it feels great!

people tell me they care all the time, but they havent shown it at all. i dont have much sympathy for people who are too scared, because they arent the ones with cancer. i think its kind of bull shit that i lost so many friends because of their “fear” of my illness.

but i just want to be positive and find people to connect with once again. i miss it. 

why hallelujah the little spots in my lungs are gone! :) thank you chemotherapy! my miniature tumors in my lungs are gone! yeeeeee 

now lets see how much i can thank you for my leg. in one week i will know!! until then, i do not miss you chemotherapy, i do not miss having 103.7 degree fevers and unnatural levels of toxicity. :) i do not miss having my ear cut open to drain the infection due to a 0.0 white blood cell count. i don’t think i have ever been in so much pain before. i made such a pathetic scream/cry, i sounded like a whale. i do not miss 4am nose bleeds, peeing 900ml an hour, having sores throughout my GI tract, throwing up (or dry heaving), fainting, mouth sores, abdominal spasms, monstrous migraines…ect.

now all i have to deal with a small amount of side effects and situations, which the worst one is changing the port needle in my chest once a week. that sucks because my toxicity rash refuses to calm itself where the needle is. so each time i am stabbed in the chest…. its a painful adventure. alkjdflagjlka;jsfldk;jadkfjldksal blerk. 

well, cancer sucks. eh im at the halfway point! goodnight world! tomorrow i get to cuddle into my nurse and cry<3 

i can’t have a hurt heart right now. the last thing i need is emotional pain. i can’t afford it. my life is on the line right now, and funny thing is, the one person i thought would try and give a shit…doesn’t. it astonishes me how little they care.

when your life turns upside down, you find out who your real friends are. 

the people you think are going to be there for you end up not even contacting you, while the people you least expect to give a shit are the ones standing at your doorstep and staying over late to watch movies.